Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
