My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
