Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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