Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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