my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
