Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
