I think I died a long time ago.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
