Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize