i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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