If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
