did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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