paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
