He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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