Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
