I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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