We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
