im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
