a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
