I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
