we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
