I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
