My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
