I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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