Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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