u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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