I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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