There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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