I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
