If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
