can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
