you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
