I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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