Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
