Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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