bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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