Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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