Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
this just has baby written all over it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
