Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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