wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
