I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
