I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
