you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
