Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I deserve this hangover.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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