Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
