the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
