The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
