Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
