so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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