Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
