It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize