haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
