you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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