porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
