If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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