Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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