3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
