i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
