I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
