You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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