there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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