Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
